What If?

Life is short.  Stop wasting it.  The end.

No, for real though... In the last two years, I have met more new people and made more new friends and acquaintances than I did in the 10 years prior.  A number of life events have caused me to get out of my comfort zone and learn new things, meet new people, tune into my passions and interests, question what I want out of life, and so on.... And in that, I have noticed there are way too many people out there who are waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting.

It's not that they don't have passions.  It's not that they don't know what they want.  It's not that they don't have ideas or plans.  It's that they are WAITING for something:  the perfect timing, the ideal situation, the right amount of money in the bank account, the kiddo to be the "right" age, etc, etc, etc.  And life passes them by in the meantime.  I want to grab them by the shoulders and say, "STOP WAITING!  START STARTING!  JUST DO SOMETHING!"

Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating emptying the bank account, running up the credit cards, dumping your kid off at your parents and turning into a loser.  There is a huge difference between being a decent, responsible human and wasting life waiting.  One is not fulfilling your responsibilities and one is creating stupid rules that made up for yourself about why you can't do what you want to do right now.  Fulfilling responsibilities does NOT preclude living a life with passion, adventures, fun, vacations, love, connection or anything else that makes life worth living.

I sat with a friend of mine last month.  We talked about Seasonal Affected Disorder, work, kids, etc.  I asked him what he was looking for.  He said, "My 'person.'"  I asked how that search was going and he said not so well, due to work, mostly.  He'd been seeing one woman on and off and still kept in touch with her over a year and I asked why he didn't pursue that more as they seemed to have a pretty strong connection.  "She and her husband broke up last year and I've been burnt by someone coming out of a long relationship...  and I'm afraid she may reconcile with him."  I wanted to shake him by the shoulders and slap him upside the head (except he's a foot taller and 100lbs more than me, so that wouldn't work. Oh, and physical abuse is never the answer.)  Instead, I pointed out EVERYTHING CAN CHANGE IN AN INSTANT.  How did he know she "might reconcile" with her ex?  How did he know he wasn't going to have a heart attack and die next week?   How did he know that he wouldn't meet "his person," his soulmate, in a month and break this woman's heart instead? How did he know that she wouldn't go and find her new soulmate and "burn" him for someone who isn't even on his radar?  Fear has him in vapor lock.  Fear of the "what if?"

I HATE "WHAT-IFS."

What-ifs keep people stuck worse than anything else.  "I need a vacation."  "So take one."  "What if I need the money later for an emergency?"  Yeah, what if you do?  AND WHAT IF YOU DON'T?  I guess you can spend that money you saved by not taking the vacation to rest and recharge and spend it on your doctor and therapist bills when you have a nervous breakdown.  That works too.  Again, I'm not preaching irresponsibility, I'm pointing out the fact that for every "what if" there is an equal and opposite "what if?"

I have another friend who is stuck in a terrible marriage.  I mean, is choosing to be in a terrible marriage.  That's her business.  I asked why, if she's so miserable, she won't do something about it.  "My mom left my dad for another man when all of us kids had graduated high school.  She broke his heart.  If I left my husband, my dad and siblings would hate me.  They'd think I was just like my mom."  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!  So you're going to live the only life you have right now in misery, dealing with a bipolar, prescription-drug addict husband because your jacked up, judgmental siblings (trust me, I know about these siblings) and co-dependent, boring, single, lump-on-a-log father who doesn't do anything but sit at home and get fat will give you shit for "being just like Mom?!!"  GROW A PAIR OF OVARIES AND MOVE YOUR ASS.  To be fair, I understand there are other factors in the marriage that prove it hard for her to just pack up and leave, but maybe, JUST MAYBE, she could take steps to start creating a better life now.  Maybe some therapy?  Family counseling?  Al-Anon?  Get a job?  Plan a divorce after the kids are grown?  SOMETHING.

I love how all these people are magically fortune tellers.  Apparently fear is the number one cause of ESP.  They just KNOW what the future holds because it is scary.  That's why they can't make any moves for anything they want.  Because they just know what is coming if they do.  Yet, somehow, the happy version is never the future.  Maybe he dates her and she is his "person" and they live happily ever after together?  Maybe the other guy takes a vacation and recharges his batteries and meets a new business connection that helps him find a better job?  Maybe she goes to Al-Anon and learns about living with addicted family members and how to escape the pattern of co-dependency?  Why can't good come from taking any chances?  How about:  What if you die tomorrow?  What if the stock market crashes and all your investments, IRAs, etc are gone?  What if the person you have your eye on who is perfect for you but you're too afraid to be with finds someone who isn't afraid?  What if you wake up at age 70 with an emotionally abusive husband who your grandkids won't be around because your sister would "be mad at you" for getting a divorce years ago?
WHAT IF????

What do you want in life?   Who would you like to be with?  What would make you jump out of bed every day ready to go?  Is there ONE thing you could do today to make that happen?   Just ONE step you could take?  One phone call?  One date?  One session to go to?  One blog post to write?  "What if" you did one thing?

Got a question?  I've got answers.  There's a good chance they aren't the answers you want, but I won't lie to you.  I have an uncommon way of applying common sense to life.  Write me with anything you want an opinion on and I'll try to address it in a future post.
-Stella Goodman