Hey, Stella -
I've tried out a few dating apps in the last year or so and need help with my profile. Can you give me an idea of what women "swipe right" on?
- Guy Holding Fish
Dear Guy Holding Fish-
First, erase your fish-photo. Just delete it. Well, maybe if you're really proud of that fish, go ahead and print it and put it on your desk or tack it to the wall in your man-cave, then delete it, but don't put it on your dating profile. I mean, honestly, there's a good chance there is a group of women laughing at a screencap of it on a private facebook group. *innocent whistling*
Here are some do's and don'ts for a dating profile:
- For the love of Saint Francis de Sales, use proper spelling. "The Dorkiest Thing About Me: I work to much." No, Craig, the dorkiest thing about you is the fact at age 47, you don't know the difference between "too" and "to" and if you do, you're still not smart enough to hit the "edit" button and fix it.
- Be positive. Write what you're looking for. Do not write a laundry list of every bad experience you've had in the dating world as don'ts. "Don't be wider than you are tall. Don't have bad breath. Don't have neck tattoos. Don't chew with your mouth open. Don't call me for a hook up. Don't expect me to give you money or buy you a phone on our first date. Don't smell bad. Don't be swipin' on me if your pics are older than a year old." AND ESPECIALLY DON'T WRITE THAT LIST IN ALL CAPS. "DON'T MATCH WITH ME IF YOU ARE FAT!" Seriously? Maybe try, "Looking for a classy lady who is as passionate about health as I am," or "Looking to discuss a variety of books with a well-read lady." (Stay away from slang words for women too. No "chicks" or "babes" or worse.)
- We live in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. I love the USofA. I don't need to have a US Flag on the wall to let people know that. (As a matter of fact, if a person loves the American Flag that much, one should know that it is a violation of the Flag Code [Title 4, United States Code, Chapter 1, §8] to use the flag as decoration.) A US flag tacked to the wall behind the couch somehow screams, "I am a Prepper and I have 400 MREs under my bed and I will bore you to tears with conspiracy theories and scenarios where the Chinese use the Eisenhower Interstate System as landing strips to take over the United States. I also might have my last girlfriend in the deep freeze in case cannibalism becomes necessary."
- Did I mention ditching the fish-pics? Maybe it's that you want to show prospective dates that you can provide sustenance in a pinch, but it is so overdone by every guy out there, it's just a joke now. Hunting pictures are worse. Dead animals ≠ sexy.
- Show off your interests: Cooking, fishing (by holding a fishing pole, not the actual fish), camping, bike riding, sitting by a fire, motorcycles, hot rods, 4x4ing, wine, video gaming, it doesn't matter. There's someone for everyone. But give us something to work with. Still, make sure YOU are in the picture participating in said-activities. (Helpful Hint: If your favorite activity includes a tool that is often used in movies by serial killers, leave that one out. i.e. No axes, machetes, etc.)
- Post at least 4 original photos of yourself. (Not four of the same photo.) At least two should show your eyes. Nothing but sunglasses in all pictures? *Swipes left* One photo means you don't even care enough to look for a second photo.
- Bathroom mirror selfies (BMS) should be avoided. BMS say you're too old or smartphone-challenged to understand how to use the front-facing camera for a proper selfie. If you want a full-body picture, learn how to use the timer on your camera app: Place the phone/camera on a piece of furniture or build a book tower or something that is about chest high. Walk back until you see yourself fill the screen using the front-facing camera. Mentally mark that area in the room. Walk back to the camera, select 3- or 10-second delay, walk back to the spot you were before and pose. Repeat as necessary until you get a picture that you want the public to see.
- Cover yourself, man!!! Leave your freaking shirt on in ALL the pictures! I don't care HOW many hours a week you spend at the gym, leave a little to the imagination. No one cares about your ripped abs at this point. (Unless you're just looking for a hook-up, then disregard this one. Advertise the goods. But not ALL the goods.) Still, if an actual date is your goal, keep your shirt on as much as possible.
VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: A "shirt-of-hair" does NOT count as a shirt.
- OMG, the bed pictures. No. Just no. Yes, we understand your bed is empty and that's why you're in it alone, looking sad and dejected and/or attempting to look seductive. It's not coming across the way you want it to, trust me. Especially if you didn't read the above rule: leave your shirt on. (Also see "Very Important Note" above.) And, FYI, lying on your belly on the bed with your rump slightly lifted is NOT (I repeat: NOT) seductive to a woman. (Thing is, if you're putting ze bum in the air, please ensure that you've set your settings to "Seeking Men" and not "Seeking Women.") Oh, and very important: Bed-selfies taken in a hospital bed are way beyond NO. Like seriously, wtf? "Please come clean out my bedpan and give me a sponge bath." Again, not seductive to the average woman looking to date. (I cannot believe I have to actually spell this one out there, but I've seen the pic.)
Summary: Be positive. Post several pictures. Show your eyes. Wear a shirt (and bottoms too.) No fish/dead animals. No murder weapons. Spell things correctly (and use mostly proper grammar.)
Bonus: Give your potential dates something to work with. This is especially important when a woman messages you. One-word answers won't cut it. "Hi! I see you love water-skiing! Do you go often?" "Yes." "Ummm... ok. Well, then, have fun...?" Maybe try, "Not as much as I'd like. Do you like water-skiing too?" It's really not hard, promise. Ask questions- it'll keep things rolling.
Good luck, Guy Holding Fishing Pole Who Isn't Wearing Sunglasses and Has His Shirt On!
Did I miss something? I'm sure I missed a ton. If you can think of something important, leave a comment.
-Stella
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